by Liz Scott, Alex's Mom

It is hard to believe that it has been 12 years since our beautiful daughter Alex left us – August 1, 2004. It is even harder to believe that my little girl would be 20 years old.

Sometimes, I try to imagine her as a young woman; I try to conjure up an image of what she might look like and more importantly, what she would be like. It is hard to admit this, but no matter what I do, for several years now, I can’t bring myself to picture her as anything but an 8 year old. Maybe it is because it is just too hard to “go there." Imagining her as a 20 year old requires me to construct all of the years between 8 and 20 that would have played a part in shaping who she was, and that leads me to contemplate all she missed. My thoughts at those times are filled with so much bitterness and anger for all that cancer put her through and everything it stole from her.  

But invariably, it is at those moments when I get some inspiration from someone--sometimes it may be a message from a parent of a child with cancer that talks about the hope they feel because of all that has been accomplished through Alex’s legacy, or it may be a letter from a child who held a lemonade stand and is so proud to donate their money to “help kids like Alex”, or a researcher who says how vital the funding has been in advancing cures for their patients. These moments are so powerful that I have come to realize that I shouldn’t dwell on the “what ifs” of the life Alex did not have but instead focus on the extraordinary life she did have.  

Alex's 8 short years were packed with a lot of love and living. To most, Alex’s long battle with cancer and her amazing lemonade stands are what are most remembered about her life, but as a mom, I am lucky because I can add many more facets to her story. In fact, my most vivid memories don’t involve cancer or (dare I say!) even lemonade. It is the moments that came and went without much thought at the time that fill my heart. These are just plain, everyday moments that come to mind. Moments like Alex and her brother Eddie dancing like no one was watching to their favorite song, or Alex giggling every time her baby brother Joey yelled “mine!” even when there was no object in sight that belonged to him, or overhearing her chatting in the next room with her older brother Patrick about nothing in particular. These are the moments that made up her life and that made it great. When I think of the 8 ½ years we were blessed to share with her, there are endless reasons to smile and be grateful -- her joyful spirit, her feisty attitude, her incredible fortitude, her quick wit and of course, her determination to make sure other kids with cancer would have the chance to be cured that she did not.

So today, as I count 12 years since I last made memories with my girl, I will not allow myself to wonder what could have been but instead cherish her as she was, as an extraordinary person but also as my daughter—forever 8 years old. And I will cry a little, smile a little, and be grateful for it all.