Childhood Cancer

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Childhood Cancer

The funeral

Funerals and related rituals (e.g., memorial services, wakes, shiva, burial) are important not only as a time to say good-bye and to begin to accept the reality of death, but also to provide an opportunity to recognize the relationships and impact the child or teen had on others. Funerals allow friends and family to gather together to share memories and show support for the remaining family members. A funeral is a tangible demonstration of love.

We wanted to plan a perfect memorial service for Michael. Nick and I had some ideas, but we also asked Michael what he would like at his memorial service. One point he made quite clear was that he wanted balloons instead of flowers since “flowers are for girls.” He also told me exactly what he wanted to wear—his 101 Dalmatians shirt with his favorite black sweat pants and Batman socks. He even helped with an idea for his gravestone. He was familiar with them since we had visited his Grampa’s grave a lot. In fact, they’re buried beside each other. He was very mature in the way he handled his impending death, even though he was only 4 years old. Never did he fear it, nor dwell on it, nor become angry about it. The way Michael put it was, “Well, Mom. Some people die and some people don’t.”

Children of all ages should be allowed to attend the funeral if they wish, but only after they have been prepared for what to expect. They need an explanation of what the event is for, where they will be going, and what will happen. They need to know what death is, what type of room they are going to, whether the casket will be there, whether it will be open, whether there will be flowers, who will be there, how the mourners will behave, who will stay with them, what they will be expected to say or do, how long they will be there, and what will happen after the service (e.g., burial, reception). All questions should be answered honestly and the children’s feelings respected. Many siblings benefit from giving one last gift to the departed, such as writing a private note and placing it in the casket, or bringing some of their sister’s favorite flowers to put in her hands.

We celebrated our 3-year-old son Kevin’s life today. The past week has been a whirlwind. All of Kevin’s favorite women worked nonstop for 48 hours leading up to last night. The funeral home was beautiful. There were pictures everywhere—on pedestals, in photo albums, collages, and frames.

There were children’s books throughout the funeral home as well as red balloons, Kev’s favorite color. We had patchwork squares out to create a memorial quilt for his younger sisters, Courtney and Katie. People wrote special messages and drawings on them to capture their feelings: “Kevin, Sending you love and kisses and one BIG scoop of mashed potatoes!”

We also had sheets of paper to write stories and memories of Kevin to make a memorial book for the girls. Kevin’s favorite things were on a memorial table: his green blankie with the hole in it, his books, his Buzz Lightyear®, his green bike, his catcher’s mitt, his baseball and yellow bat, golf clubs, and more.

We rented a 6’ projector screen and a big screen TV to display a 20-minute video in both rooms at the funeral home. It showed Kevin’s life over the past year. And it was a pretty good life too: putting candles on Grammy’s cake with Matthew, gymnastics with Grampie, wrestling with Courtney, reading with Daddy, playing football with Nana, kissing Auntie JoJo and Auntie Karin, playing golf in the yard, laying on the floor laughing, telling knock knock jokes, riding bikes in the house, at the beach at the Cape.

What does a mom do? She loves, cherishes, teaches, protects, and lets go. For one brief, shining moment, we had Kevin. For happily ever after we have our memories of him.

For families that are involved in a spiritual community, their clergy have a unique opportunity to provide support, love, and comfort to the grieving family and friends. They usually know the family well and can evoke poignant memories of the deceased child or teen during the service. Members of the clergy often have excellent counseling skills and can visit the family after the funeral to provide ongoing help during mourning.

One of our pastors was a very close personal friend who stayed with us for the last 3 days in the hospital at Jesse’s bedside. When she died, we were physically and emotionally weary; we just couldn’t think. He and the other pastors planned the whole service and walked us through it.

There were hundreds of people there—Jesse had touched so many lives. The pastors had known Jesse her whole life and they loved her, truly loved her. They told personal stories, reminisced about the last hugs they had shared with her. They told the story of her faith and of her death, which comforted many of those who attended. Each family member walked up during the service and brought some of her favorite flowers.

Involving siblingsThe role of family and friends

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