I have been diagnosed with and treated for both anxiety and depression. My anxiety and depression have been daily issues for me. In many ways they are bigger problems than my physical side effects have been, as they impact my everyday life more evidently. For example, my cardiac health doesn’t really affect how I interact with other people, but my anxiety can make it very hard for me to branch out and feel comfortable doing something different or making new friends. In that way, my anxiety and depression have been the hardest side effects for me to manage and control.

My family has been incredibly supportive and proactive about getting me help - I was seeing therapists within two years after ending treatment. I have gone to in-person therapists (including talk therapy, play therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy) and I have seen psychologists and psychiatrists who have prescribed anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications. I’ve never done any support groups or online therapy.

During treatment, feelings of anxiety and depression were definitely present, but most of my focus and that of my family and care team was centered on getting better physically. It’s worth noting that when I was undergoing treatment, the emotional toll of cancer on long-term mental health was poorly understood. After treatment, I think I expected those emotions to go away, and viewed the anxiety/worry as just a temporary result of what was happening at the time, but this was far from the truth.

My undiagnosed anxiety and depression persisted and intensified when I got to high school. That’s when I made the decision to start seeking help regularly from a therapist. I was lucky to have friends that were very supportive, but in the beginning, it was very challenging to rationalize to my parents. Their generation feels a huge negative stigma around receiving therapy and medication for mental illness, and frankly the stigma was still quite strong at the time I sought help. They could not understand why an otherwise healthy and thriving teen girl would need to seek help in this way.

Now as a 26-year-old, I still regularly talk to my therapist and take prescribed medication for my anxiety and depression. Although a constant work-in-progress, I have made great improvements to my mental health and well-being. I now have the professional and personal support I need to continue this progress and to lean on if/when things get more severe. My parents, too, have made great strides in their respect and understanding of mental illness and are great supporters of the work I continue to do on my mental health.

Throughout my whole life I have struggled with anxiety and depression, both of which I feel have gotten harder to deal with since having cancer. I have put in a lot of hard work with different kinds of therapists to try and seek better ways to cope with anxiety and depression. Still, sometimes it’s hard to cope by yourself, and I often look to my friends as a support.

Both times transitioning out of treatment, I felt a huge sense of relief, especially with our second during COVID policies where my children couldn’t see each other the majority of a year. Each transition took about a year to begin to feel human again, have a sense of routine, normalcy as much as possible, and less full-blown anxiety. The second time I actually utilized anti-anxiety medication which helped a lot. It’s hard not to assume the worst in any scenario, but I really tried to focus on “normalcy” and not hover over the kids or keep them from risky play that is a normal part of childhood.

Now as a Mom, I have an intense amount of anxiety about my little boy. When he gets bruises and even when he had the little “toddler tummy” my mind went to directly to negative thinking. It’s a lot to deal with but it is bearable. What helps is talking about it with others that understand. Giving myself grace and allowing myself to feel the things I feel. And knowing that others that haven’t been there, won’t understand and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m alone.