I have definitely dealt with survivor’s guilt. I remember sending a wedding invitation to the mom of a friend that had passed away, and she said it would be too hard for her. I sobbed. I felt so awful. It was horrible. I can only imagine the pain she was feeling watching me live out a life her daughter should have. I try to remind myself that they would want me to live my life in the best way I can. And I try to, for them.

I have had some survivor’s guilt. For me, the most upsetting thing has been feeling like I have to earn the fact that I survived. I sometimes feel like because I survived when others didn’t, I have to do something worthwhile and big with my life, and that’s a lot of pressure for a child/young adult to have while growing up.

I do have survivor’s guilt. I saw children who were not even six years old die from the same cancer I had, yet I survived. It doesn’t feel right. Because of that, I try to squeeze everything I can out of life so I can live with no regrets. Surviving resonates with me – I believe I’m here for a reason, and I will not throw away my shot.

Survivor’s guilt is something I am incredibly familiar with. I have been dealing with it since I lost my best friend in treatment in third grade. First, I was overcome with sadness because I was unable to play with my friend anymore. But this sadness quickly turned to guilt, thinking, “What gives me the right to still be here while he couldn’t be?” This feeling only intensified as I lost more and more friends throughout my life.

My biggest challenge dealing with survivor’s guilt is the burden of high expectations. In my eyes, I consistently compare myself with what my friends would be doing if they were here. I feel responsible for carrying out their dreams, simply because I am here, and they are not. For example, my one friend was very into sports and wanted to play in college, so I joined my university’s basketball team as a student manager. I joined a fraternity because my other friend always talked about doing that. Additionally, my school had an organization dedicated to childhood cancer research. Although I was personally helped by this organization, it was my friend’s absolute dream to volunteer and be a leader, so that is exactly what I did. All of these experiences were integral to my college experience, but I joined them to have the experience that my friends couldn’t. It allowed me to stay connected to them. With that being said, it can be incredibly taxing and unfair to compare yourself and your life to others, especially when doing things you may feel obligated to do. I finally realized my friends would not want me struggling like I have.

In order to combat this guilt, I spend the first and last five minutes of everyday reflecting on my friendships with those who have been lost. That way, I’m able to keep them front of mind, but I am not overwhelmed with grief throughout the course of the day. Since I have started doing these reflections, my mental health has greatly improved and the constant guilt I felt has mostly subsided. It is still there, but much more manageable.

This cancer journey is life-changing. I don’t take one day for granted and thank God every time we wake up as a complete family. We went through it twice with two of our children. There is some survivors guilt that I carry. It is hard knowing so many families who lost children while both of ours survived. Each has different ongoing and unique struggles; one with intellectual struggles and the other wears hearing aids and has other physical setbacks. My advice is to take each challenge as it comes, try to acknowledge “survivor problems” for what they are, but always remember how far you’ve come.”